Are you married? I was married once. I actually liked being married, I just didn’t like what we became. I’m not married anymore.
Most of us sign up to be married with good intentions. We reinforce those intentions by pledging to each other that we’re in, “until death do we part”. The French have a saying, “beginnings are beautiful”, and they really are. Weddings are beautiful too.; my wedding was the best party ever thrown. But divorce happens. Sometimes it’s a sad thing, sometimes it’s a necessary thing, and sometimes it’s an expensive thing (this I know), but divorce happens. About half of us cut the cord sometime before we get to “until death do we part”.
The institution of marriage as we know it is the product of two elements of our societal evolution: religion and law. Sure there’s the part about the species surviving, and yes, the farm needs folks to work it, but modern marriage is rooted in religion and law. If you think about it, you can have sex with whoever will agree, but if you want a dog, you need a license. You can live together, love each other, and even make a baby together, but to drive a car you need another license. And right or wrong, society only recognizes your marriage as being “legit” if someone from the clergy or the court asks, “Do you…” and you both say, “oh yeah”. Poof – your married!
I’ve been divorced for just over 10 years. Like a lot of other couples who eventually halve, our ending was a story filled with drama, lawyers, and lies. But all of that is in the rear-view mirror now. I’m neither bitter nor pissed. The last time I saw my ex was about 7 years ago. I told her just how grateful I was for the time we had together and the amazing life we lived, but that I was done supporting her and her boyfriend. A friend asked me a couple of weeks ago if I would ever get married again, and I said, “I absolutely would get married again, I just never want to get divorced again”. Maybe you can relate and maybe you can’t, but that’s just me.
And what does any of this have to do with staying married?
Enter Gottman
Dr. John Gottman is a well-known relationship and marriage researcher and therapist. His work is widely accepted as the gold standard of advice about what “works” with couples long term. He says that within about 15 minutes of being with a couple he can tell not only if they’ll divorce, but when. I’ve seen him before and I like the cut of his jib. He recently showed up in my YouTube feed, so I drank the Kool-Aid one more time. In this talk he referenced two kinds of couples: the “masters” and the “disasters”. Then he went about laying out three simple things that the masters do to increase intimacy and avoid landing on the big “D”. As with most things involving how humans treat other humans, it’s much tidier to read from words on a page than living it in real life, but that’s all I have today, so here goes.
Love Maps
According to Gottman, intimacy between couples begins with drawing something called, “love maps”. The simplest definition of a love map is “empathetic listening”. Genuinely giving a damn about your partner, their well-being, and most of all, how it is for them. To draw these maps, you need to show up with “open ended” questions. An open-ended question asks for a for an open response, a closed-ended question asks for a “yes – no”.
On paper this seems pretty simple, but it’s also not very common. Long-term relationships are the places where many of us become complacent, wounded, and some would say, return to our unrepaired childhood problems. Defensiveness and contempt can become common communication models that can eventually bring a couple to its knees. When this happens, you’re kind of screwed (this I know). So the first step is to draw a love map and to keep updating it.
Bids
It’s the little things that make the big difference in life, and the second thing Gottman talks about is offering small gestures that seek connection with your person called “bids”. A simple bid might be, “You look great today”. Or “I really like the way you handled yourself with that person last night.” Or “I just want to remind you how important you are to me.”
There’s an interesting correlation here. Gottman says it takes five units of “good” to move beyond one unit of “bad”. By offering these bids, you’re building up a sort of emotional bank account that you can draw on when you screw up. We all screw up from time to time (this I know), but I never once got out of jail with a simple, “sorry about that”. So give your bids and make your deposits regularly. In the end they work pretty well, and are far, far less expensive than legal fees (this I know).
Turning Toward
The third and final piece in the Gottman trilogy of intimacy is called “turning toward”. Turning toward is the completion of the communication circle. It’s how you respond to your person’s bids. It’s a strange thing about relationships, they are constantly seeking a state of disequilibrium. Couples who make it work figure out how to move from disequilibrium back to equilibrium. This habit of turning toward is a simple and effective way to re-establish that equilibrium. So says Gottman.
When your partner makes a bid, offer a response in kind. If he says to you, “I’m really lucky to have you in my life”, offer a reply – it could be as simple as, “ditto”, it could be as bold as, “You complete me”. If she says, “I feel safe when I’m with you”, give her back a simple, “Just doing my job”, or “Thanks for noticing”. It’s up to you to determine the depth of your response, but whatever it is, make sure you’re turning toward. It works better than the alternative (this I know).
A Final Thought…
In the sterile container of the Sunday Blog, these seem like such simple things…being interested in your person, offering a compliment, acknowledging when you get one. How come we can’t just follow these simple rules of engagement until death do us part? Why do some of us treat each other so horribly? Why are we so mean, so defensive, so hurt, and basically shitty to each other? Obviously not all couples are this way, but many are. I’m sure there are a lot of reasons (and excuses) for all of this and I’m sure I have a few of my own as well, but we can unpack those another Sunday. What I can say for myself today is that if/when I find myself lucky enough to be a husband version 2.0, I’m going to take her hand, put a ring on it, look lovingly her in the eye, and after I say, “I do”, I’m going to add, “And I promise to give a damn even when I’d rather not, I promise to remind you how awesome you are even when you’re not, and I promise to pay attention to you because you deserve it.”
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2024.04.07
Cite
“The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.”
– Jackie Kennedy