In the past 100 years entire industries have been built based on the “brokenness” of humans. The most obvious is therapy – nobody goes to therapy when they’re fixed, only when they’re broken. The entire cottage industry of jurisprudence (aka the law) – from capital murder to DUI, also based on human brokenness. And Alcoholics Anonymous? The party as you knew it is over friend – brokenness.
Brokenness shows up in all shapes, sizes, and levels of intensity, but our brokenness doesn’t just affect us; it often spills into our closest relationships with everyone from our children to our lovers. One of the hallmark symptoms of brokenness is our unconsciousness about it: most of us don’t know we’re in it until we’re in it deep. Often the only thing that wakes us up from our blissful numbness is a shocking life event: a speeding ticket, a medical diagnosis, being served papers for divorce.
When we find ourselves in an expected moment of “uh oh”, we often respond with the worst versions of our brokenness. Some lash out in anger, others cower in fear, and then there are the victims. The victims are the most colorful flowers in the garden of brokenness. They are quick to share a well-rehearsed speech of how their lot in life is at the hand of something or someone other than themselves. Theirs is a story of powerlessness and fault. “It’s because of the government that I’m screwed.” “It’s his fault that I’m this way.” “They did this to me.” Sometimes the point is valid – some of us truly are the victims of another, but sometimes the badge of the victim is just another decoration donned as a symbol of what we don’t yet know about ourselves.
But as any child in a state of tantrum will prove to you, eventually energy wanes. Eventually we run out of gas, or people willing to listen to us bitch, and when that happens, we turn from the speeches of our hubris to the bended knee of our humility. Anything to just get out of the mess we find ourselves in. We pay the fine, we offer our best apology, we make the deal with God as we understand Him. Anything for mercy, forgiveness, and lower insurance rates.
The Question
The brokenness of humans is a crazy ride and in one way or another we’ve all had our hand at the wheel. But if the ride seems to never end and the highs reach new highs and the lows new lows, eventually someone in our audience asks a simple question, usually after we’ve just crashed from a series of our encore performances: “Why?”
“Why did you do that?” “Why did you say that?” “Why did you” (fill in the blank). Maybe you’ve confronted one of your fellows in this way and maybe you’ve been confronted too. Most of the time when someone is asked about the cause of their brokenness the reply is the same three-word answer, “I don’t know”. Certainly, it’s rare that someone in the middle of their brokenness will take the knee and say, “I’m glad you asked me about this, I’ve been doing some personal work and here’s what I’ve discovered about myself”. But while “I don’t know” is a common response, it really isn’t really an answer – it’s just self-permission not to answer. And yet, believe it or not, there is an answer to this question, and a way to avoid the bruises and embarrassments of human brokenness. If you’re interested in finding out why you do what you do (broken or not), stick around for another page. What you’re going to learn might surprise you.
Your Needs
We humans are a complex lot, especially when it comes to our decision-making technology. But if you stand on the sidelines and just observe the behavior of brokenness without bias, you will begin to see a common pattern. All of us (everyone) is on a simple and singular mission every moment of every day: we’re all trying to get our needs met. That’s right, we’re trying to get our needs met. Needs for love, for social place, for acceptance, for bonding, for creating, for growth, for adventure, for drama, for whatever. These “needs” are the things that drive us at the deepest levels. They always have, they always will. You should never question your needs or try to fight them – you will never win. Instead, learn what they because you will do anything to get your needs met. That’s right – anything.
The trick to overcoming human brokenness is actually pretty simple, it doesn’t take a bottle of pills or a hundred sessions with a shrink. The first thing you must do is to understand what that problem is. As one once said famously, “You have to name it to tame it”. And so it is with your needs…the first step to solving the problem of human brokenness is to take an inventory of your needs at a consciousness level. Who are you really? What experience do you seek? What makes you feel connected? What gives you a thrill? When is the last time you were happy? What is the thing you would crawl across broken glass naked to get in your life? These questions, while big and esoteric, are the keys to understanding your needs. Again, whether you realize it or not, your mission every moment of everyday is to get your needs met and you will do anything to get them met. That’s right – anything.
Your Strategies
Once you understand what makes you go tick-tock, the next step is to examine strategy. Strategy is always in the service of needs and brokenness is really just a misalignment of strategy to satisfy your needs. Have you ever noticed that some people solve a puzzle one way and that others solve the exact same puzzle a different way? Sure you have. These are lessons in strategy. Strategy is simply the way we go about doing whatever it is we’re doing – like getting our needs met.
Here’s a simple example: two men need $100. One man gets a job for $20 an hour and works 5 hours. Another man hires two men to the job, pays them $50 each, and charges the client $200 for getting it done sooner.
Let’s say you have a need for drama. You might run down the street naked with your hair on fire, or you might watch a Star Wars movie. Both will get your drama need met, one is healthy, one is not.
Or maybe you have a need for connection. You could start hugging everyone you see at the grocery store, or you could be a part of a small group on your local planning commission. Again, both will get your need met, one is healthy, one is not.
Maybe you just need to be the center of attention. You could scream “fire” in the movie theater, or you could give a talk to seniors on how to play pickle ball at your local YMCA.
You get it.
The Trick
The trick here isn’t to completely reinvent yourself, rather to fine tune. An airplane is constantly correcting course because if it’s off by even one degree, disaster is inevitable. Understanding your needs and working at a conscious level to develop a strategy to live your life to get them met is really just a matter of increasing your awareness about yourself and then making a long string of small corrections. If you do this over time, you will look back and realize that you probably weren’t broken at all, just a little bruised. But hey, aren’t we all?
Good luck and have a good week.
Joe Still
2024.03.31
Cite
“To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue.”
– Buddha